This Morning's Soundtrack

Once in a while I am blessed by the sound of La's sweet singing while I get ready for the day. This morning was one of those times.

"Princess Blood" by La

The greatest invention since the window seat.

La has wanted one of those mosquito net thingys to hang over her bed ever since she noticed one at Bombay Kids when she was two years old. Every time she sees one in a magazine or on a TV show she goes nuts.

The day after she returned from Arizona, I took the day off work and hung out with her. We had our little plumbing disaster that day, but we also went to Bed, Bath & Beyond in the morning to look for a small rug for her bedroom. La spotted the bed canopy in the corner of the store, and it was all over-with. 

She didn't make a scene, but rather rationalized with me, pointing out all the advantages to owning a large swath of fabric to hang over her bed. While she did this, she held the package in her right hand and swept her left hand around the packaging just like Vanna White, illustrating the loveliness of the contraption. Some of the workers even wandered in our direction to observe La's sales pitch.

Considering La had been away for an entire week, and seeing how cute she was bargaining for the thing, and knowing that I had a 20% off coupon in my purse, I was SOLD.

It's the best 20 bucks I've ever spent.

Since we purchased it, she's spent countless hours underneath it looking at books and just hanging out.

And the best part? She's made her bed almost every day since she's gotten it. Because it's "prettier" that way.

Memorial Day. The Hilljack Way.

We went back to Twinsburg for Memorial Day Weekend, and my what a weekend it was. The weather was perfect for boating on Lake Erie. 

So that's what we did.

Ahhhh. The majestic Cleveland skyline.

My dad's new boat is pretty sweet, even though it's a fishing boat. It's a flashy shade of red and goes much faster than one would think. 

Which might be why we were pulled over by the U.S. Coast Guard. 

They said it was just a "routine check," but I'm betting they write quite a few citations doing "routine checks." But, if they were looking to write a ticket, pulling over The Worlds Biggest Safety Geek was not the way to go. 

License? Check. Registration? Check. Life vests? Check. Throwable flotation device? Check. Distress flares? Double-check. 

Heck, he has an entire tupperware dedicated to all things "distress." As you can plainly see.

He also has a container labeled "piss bucket." But we won't go there.

La caught her very first fish ever. It was a good old Lake Erie perch, and she was using her badass Barbie fishing rod. She was quite enamored by that fish. In fact, she sort of helped grandpa reel it in and then she even stood within a 3-foot radius of it after it was in the boat. Go La!

I think she liked the boat.

It was a perfect Ohio weekend.

Oh! I almost forgot! I learned a valuable life skill! My dad taught us how to fillet a Walleye the hilljack right way.

Disclaimer: No ants were harmed in the making of this film. Also, David does not speak with that accent on a regular basis. Only on days that end in "y."

Double Trouble

While La was in Arizona, I did have something to preoccupy me. It was the fact that my college buddies — some of whom I have not seen in years — were coming to town for a dual bachelorette party. And I was co-planning the event.

One of the lovely ladies visiting was BFF Kristin, (aka: LuLu, Louie, Krissy, and even KrissyJeanTheBubbleGumMachine) who flew in from San Fran. 

Now, Krissy has a style all her own. Most of the time, I would call her look "Sophisticated Shabby Chic" (with a touch of hippie). But Saturday, she sported something she calls "The Tourist." The look was layered with baggy clothing, coupled with a serious-looking SLR Camera slung casually around her shoulder and finished with a spray tan (that I also partook in) ... Then! Later in the afternoon she morphed into another one of her signature looks: BODACIOUS BABE. 

Have a gander at the "looks" of LuLu:

Then, we were off to Renee's rockin' pad to kick off our Bachelorette Extravaganza. Renee lives in a brand new high rise right near Navy Pier. It was the perfect place to begin the night.

Didn't the brides look lovely?

Meagan (left) and Ellyn (right)

Our motto for the night was "Five to Five." Meaning we were starting the shindig at 5:00 pm and would not return to our respective abodes until 5:00 am. We were so pumped about this and SO COMPLETELY SERIOUS about the oath. Every once in a while we would put our hands in the middle of our circle and should "FIVE TO FIVE!" to validate our promise to each other.

I'm sure everyone around us thought we were so cool when we did this. 

After some champagne and hors d'oeuvres, we headed over to Sunda. The food and ambiance were impeccable and the service was great. I highly recommend this restaurant.

Clockwise from left: Me, Aunt M, Poonam, Amy, Renee, Emily

Meagan, Kristin and I decided to test our fate with false eyelashes, which we picked up at Walgreen's earlier in the day. The decision to purchase the falsies proved to be disastrous, but they were fun for the evening. (albeit a little heavy on the lids)

Poonam's friend, who is an ex-NBA player (we call him Ted but we don't know his real name) knew that we were headed out for a bachelorette party and decided to send "his driver" to pick us up at the restaurant and drive us around the city, drinking champagne in the limo. For free.

Um, Ted? You FREAKING ROCK.

Do you like how the only bag I saw fit to tote the boas around with me (while I was dressed like a $2 hooker) was one of La's leftover American Girl bags? Mental note for next time: NOT. APPROPRIATE. AT. ALL.

As you can see below, at this point, the false lashes had become WAY too heavy for my little eye lids.

We wrapped the party up at The Underground, with a VIP booth and bottle service. It was pretty cool, I must say.

Alas, by the time 2:30 am rolled around, most of us were staring blankly at each other, craving our beds like no other. I think my head was resting on my hands and my eyes were closed in the middle of our U-shaped booth at the club by 2:00 actually. And the party was JUST GETTING STARTED IN THAT BAR. 

And that's when I realized that I am a mom. I am pushing 30. I am by no means "cool" nor do I profess to be. And there is NO REASON for me to fake that I'm down with staying awake until 5:00 am. I'm lucky to have made it to 2:30. I've had my fun now get me home.

Girls, Saturday night was an absolute blast. I hope the brides had a night to remember. I know I did!

A night with Aunt M

I had a work event last night that went until 10 pm, so Aunt M picked La up from school and took her to my place to hang out. She scored some major points and took La to her favorite restaurant and then for ice cream at Bobtail.

As they were walking toward the entrance to Bobtail, a full-grown man walked by. La turned to Aunt M and announced loudly, "That was a HOT man." To which Aunt M replied, "You mean he was sweaty cuz it's hot out? Or that he was good looking?" 

La's response ... "He was so CUTE!"

Oh boy.

Later, when they were back home, La was talking about how in third grade she will still be best friends with Frida, even though they won't be going to the same school. Aunt M asked what La and Frida talk about when they're hanging out at preschool. La listed off various topics such as coloring, favorite foods, their teachers, ponies, princesses ... and then she finished off with "and about how great our moms are."

*tear*

As my mom would say, PRESH-US!

My Happy Meal is Complete Again ... AND OTHER STUFF OMG.

The Nuggetty Morsel has returned! And she's sweeter than ever.

Aunt M and I drove up to Milwaukee yesterday afternoon, swung by Aunt Kat and Uncle Joe's place for a delicious meal of Buffalo Chicken Pizza, and then headed over to the airport to get La. (don't worry, we tracked La's flight on FlightAware during dinnertime)

The two times she's been away from me this year, she's looked smaller when I've gotten her back. You would think it would be the other way around, but no. She shrinks.

After a very happy reunion with my shrunken pipsqueak, we drove back to Chicago. She chattered the whole way home, and kept talking about how yummy scrambled eggs are. We pulled into the neighborhood a little before midnight, with La wide awake in the back seat. So we hauled her bags up the stairs and into our apartment and got to work making some scrambled eggs.

I was fortunate to have taken a vacation day today, so this morning, La and I slept in until almost 9:00. For the second time ever. We had big plans of doing absolutely nothing all day long.

These plans changed when I walked into the bathroom and was immediately reminded that my toilet has not been functioning properly. And here's where I warn you that the rest of this blog posting is not for the weak-stomached.

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I had a few people staying with me over the weekend for a bachelorette party, which I will go into great detail about in my next posting. So, my toilet saw a little more action than it's used to. For the past two days, every time anyone has flushed, the bowl begins to fill up higher than it should and then slowly drains down to the hole in the bottom of the bowl, announcing its final flushage with a sickening gurgle-gurgle-glub-glub sound.

I know this problem fully well. I have a Kohler toilet, which is supposed to be a good brand, but it clogs if you accidentally use 3 whole squares of toilet paper or if you look at it funny or if La has eaten bananas. It's a very ornery little loo, to say the least.

This time was different though.

I had already taken the plunger to it about 57 times, with absolutely no success. So I turned to the blessed powers of YouTube. I was told by a handsome plumber that I could perform a few simple procedures to release the clog, which I obediently conducted in the following order:

1. Squirt some dish soap into the toilet bowl and then pour a gallon or so of piping hot (but not quite boiling) water from waist-height into the bowl to dissolve the clog (I did this twice for good measure).
   
2. Pour Drain-o down the toilet (even though it's bad for the environment and against my condo association's bylaws) and let sit 30 minutes. Flush. Repeat.
   
3. Unwind a metal hanger and stick it as far into the bowl as possible and try to push the clog through.
   
4. Insert plunger into hole (AGAIN), angling it in from four directions until there is a tight seal and plunge toilet slowly until clog releases.
   
5. Walk 8 blocks to Home Depot and purchase a Plumbers Auger. Insert into toilet bowl and feed auger into pipe until you reach the obstructed area. Push and pull a few times to clear the clog.

Number 5 left huge scratches into the bottom of the bowl, which was not supposed to happen because there was a protective plastic sheath around the metal "snake." Whatever was blocking my toilet pipe was so hard that when I gave it a good push, the plastic sleeve snapped right in half and the metal slammed into the bottom of the bowl. The scratches would have been worth it, had the auger worked.

BUT IT DIDN'T.

And by this point I was cursing the handsome plumber that sent me to Home Depot. For an auger.

So I called my daddy to make it all better. He had previously been briefed on the situation by my mom. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: So this is what I've done so far (listed off numbers 1-5) ... What else can I do???

Dad: Well, I'm going to give you two options, and you're not going to like either of them.

Me: I'm listening.

Dad: The first, less invasive option would be to take your hand and insert it into the hole and reach into the pipe as far as possible and pull out whatever is blocking it.

Me: Um. Do you realize that the water that has been sucked up by the plunger from The Depths of the Earth is not exactly clear, per se? Mirky, at best.

Dad: I told you you weren't going to like it.

Me: What if my arm gets stuck?

Dad: Well, it's a risk you have to take. Just keep your phone in your other hand in case you get stuck.

Me: So that I can call you?

Dad: No. So you can call 9-1-1.

Me: Um. What if it's something REALLY GROSS that's clogging my drain? (DUH.) ... Like a rat or something?

Dad: If it's a rat, at least it will be dead.

Me: What's my second option?

Dad: Completely removing the toilet and digging out whatever is in the drain pipe.

Me: Sign me up. (At least in this case I can see it before I touch it. Whatever "it" is.)

So, my dad walked me through removing my toilet step-by-step. La came into the bathroom periodically and showered me with encouraging phrases like, "You're doing SUCH a good job mom!" or "It will all be okay, mom. It really will."

It only took about 5 minutes of shimmying and lifting and my toilet was sitting in the middle of my bathroom floor. I gazed tentatively down into the black hole that had been underneath my toilet.

Nothing.

So I tipped my toilet backwards at a 45-degree angle, and I cannot speak of what came spilling out all over my bathroom floor AND MY LEGS. Let's just say that it was an organic substance mixed with about a quart of remaining water. If I were so lucky to have one of those memory zappers that Will Smith toted in Men in Black in my possession, I would be using it on myself right now.

After gagging profusely (still on the phone with my dad, begging him to sing a song to me to take my mind off the NASTY), I was finally able to simmer down and focus on the task at hand.

I wanted to be SURE that the "organic matter" was all that had been clogging the commode, so I took my gloved hand, shoved it up the toilet from the bottom and pulled out the culprit. A false-eyelash case. (I will explain why I even had a false eyelash case in my next posting. But I will never be able to tell you HOW it ended up where it was.)

I then re-installed my toilet and shot this video of the VICTORY FLUSH.

At least now I am 100% positive that one day I will make a DAMN GOOD HUSBAND.

I miss the little nugget.

She's been away for four days now. It feels like much longer.

I was talking to Angela at work the other day, telling her how much I miss La and how I can't believe she hasn't called yet and WHY ON EARTH DOESN'T SHE MISS ME? WHY!?

And then, over the course of the same day, La called me five separate times ... the first of which she cried, which broke my heart. And then I felt terrible for wishing that she would miss me.

It sounds like she's having so much fun with her daddy and his girlfriend Laura. She's already been swimming, been to a museum, eaten pizza, and gone to the zoo. And a whole bunch of other stuff.

I've been keeping myself busy the last couple days preparing for a combined bachelorette party that my friend Renee and I are hosting this weekend for our buddies, Meagan and Ellyn. The whole shindig is going to be completely INSANE. And FUN. And CRAZY. And I hope this old body can handle it. The last time I did anything like this I was 21.

Stay tuned. I'm sure there will be stories to come.

Ho Hum.

Days are different without La here. Don't get me wrong. I'm having an okay time ... just chillin' with my peeps. Gettin' down with my BAD self.

But it's just not the same.

Like tonight, for instance, I did boatloads of laundry. I then decided — ON A WHIM! (kind of) — to walk over to Aunt M and Kate's place. On my way over, I stopped at Walgreen's and grabbed some popcorn. Just cuz I'm crazy like that. (and because Kate asked me to) Then I hung out at their place and drank wine. Then I walked part of the way home and hopped on the bus and rode it the rest of the way. Which is when I had the following conversation with my mom via text:

Me: Lady with her shoes off is stinking up the whole bus.

Mom: GROSS!! Tell her to put her shoes back on. I dare you.

Me: I am so going to barf. Gak. And you know I don't have the balls to tell her that.

Mom: Maybe you need to move away from her and give her a dirty look and she'll get the message.

If only everything in life were that simple.

And that's when I got off the bus. Thank GOD because I was literally about to suffocate. The whole ride I had tried to breathe as shallowly and evenly as possible, like I was living underwater and had to filter each breath through my gills.

But, the good news is I CAN SMELL STUFF. Sometimes miracles come as packages wrapped in stinky support hose.

My Little World Traveler

After work last night, I picked La up from school and we walked over to RJ Grunt's. I don't know why we've never been there, because the food is pretty good, prices are cheap, it's kid-friendly, and it's right in our neighborhood. The occasion? La's last evening with me before spending a week in AZ with her dad.

We sat at this perfect little booth that can only seat one person on each side. It was special. I took a picture of La:

... And she took a picture of me.

After dinner, we headed over to the airport to pick aunt M up!!! It's so great to have her back! There were so many stories that we had to sleep over at Aunt M's place so we could hear them all. 

Although Aunt M loved Honduras, she is happy to get dressed without first inspecting her clothing for lingering cockroaches.

This morning, I drove up to Milwaukee with La. My Aunt Sharon and Uncle Doug go to Scottsdale for a week every year, and they were gracious enough to offer to take La with them on their flight. Of course, that was BEFORE today's experience with La on a plane. Who knows, La may have to hitchhike back home.

Their flight ended up being delayed two hours. Right before their plane finally boarded, La decided that it would be a good idea to try to CLIMB the side of the countertop where the flight attendants check people in. Of course, I noticed this while she was in mid-air, crashing to the ground. She landed on her back and knocked the wind out of herself and somehow carved a huge dent into her cheek. Which bled all over the new light pink shirt she was wearing. Oh, and she screamed at the top of her lungs for a good ten minutes. Those are some mighty, mighty lungs. I'm sure the people around us were tickled that they would soon be confined to the same aircraft as her.

Oy.

After the nice flight attendant brought her some ice (which she refused to put anywhere near her bleeding face) and cleaned up all the brochures that La had inadvertently knocked down along with the brochure holder that had previously been mounted to the countertop, it was time to say goodbye.

And La cried. Again.

But, I plastered a smile on my face, gave her a tight squeeze and a high-five for being such a big girl. And when she turned around and all I could see was Addy Walker's face peering out of her gigantic backpack ... That's when I dropped the facade and started bawling.

I stared, teary-eyed, out of the window as they boarded the plane. I scrutinized the ground crew to make sure they seemed confident that the plane was okay to fly. I strained my eyes and peered into those dinky front windows to assess the pilots (how do they see through those tiny little portholes?). I pondered how anything comprised of so much steel could fly through the air. I suddenly had a thought that I hadn't had since I was a child: THIS FLYING THING IS CRAZY. Here we are cramming more than one hundred people into a tin can like sardines, fastening them in with an ordinary seatbelt, and hurdling them through the atmosphere at immense speeds, trusting that they will come back down to Earth safe and sound in a precise destination at the prescheduled time. 

Yeah. It's a SWELL idea until it's MY little sardine inside that tin can.

I found the window where La was sitting and caught her attention. We waved at each other until the plane pulled out to proceed to the runway. I watched as the tin can sped down the runway and defied gravity right before my eyes. I stood gazing at the plane for a few seconds until it disappeared into the clouds, a mere speck; A little girl already miles and miles away from her mama.

And now I'm sitting at my computer at home, tracking their flight on FlightAware.com ... 

They're over New Mexico in case you're wondering.

After I get the call that she's made it to Phoenix, I will flip the PsychoMom switch to the "off" position. Or at least try to. I'll let you know how that goes.

A whole new world.

Aunt M has gone a few days without electricity in Honduras (apparently electrical service is unpredictable down there) ... But we finally received a long e-mail from her. Here are the highlights:

It's a completely different world at the orphanage in Honduras. It took her a while to adjust to "the simple life." At one point in the e-mail she says, "I get so excited when I see a car." This coming from The Master Chicago Driver herself. She has not had a warm shower since she got there last Wednesday. She loves the kids (there are about 400 of them) and wants to take them home with her, but she can't because they do not adopt the children out to families. Their philosophy is that they have already found their family with each other. Neat.

On Friday, Aunt M hitchhiked (YES. HITCHHIKED) into the city to begin her weekend away from the orphanage. 

Um.

Okay, if I would have known that she was hitchhiking in Honduras Friday night, I would have had to sedate myself. 

*takes deep breath and swig of whiskey*

The next day, she took a 75-cent, one-and-a-half-hour bus ride and ended up at a national park called La Tigra. 

A picture says a thousand words:

While at La Tigra, Aunt M climbed a mountain. She spent an entire day hiking to the top of the mountain with a guide who was over 60 years old and smoked cigarettes the whole way up, while my non-cigarette-smoking, healthy, 24-year-old sister wheezed her way up the mountain. I cannot wait to see those pictures.

Some of the stuff Aunt M has been eating:

• soup made from chicken feet, livers and hearts
  
• lots of rice & beans
• baleadas
  
• licuados

She says the kids are amazing. She works with them in 1-hour increments during the day and spends 2 hours each night in a jogar (group home) consisting of twenty 14 to 17-year-old girls. She says they are hilarious, lovable and naughty ... They want to break rules and learn bad words in English. 

It sounds like she's doing just swell. But I can't wait to have her back.

Boy Crazy

I am so busy. There is just so much going on that I'm having a hard time keeping track of everything. I should have come home tonight and worked on one of my million projects. But, instead, I made Peanut Butter and Jelly Pitas and whisked La off to the park for a picnic.

After our picnic, La played on the playground and met a boy. And was he ever a looker! Dark, wavy hair and green eyes. I think his name was Alex, and he was about La's age. They chased each other around the park, hiding together behind trees, fences and slides until I got suspicious of the two of them and made them stay out in the open. 

I'm sure their playing was strictly platonic, but sometimes I worry about little La and her propensity for boys. 

On the way home, La made me stop and take the below photo of her with "her boyfriend," thus affirming my apprehensions. 

The next fifteen-or-so years should be interesting.

Muckers Does Honduras

We received this message from Aunt M the other day:

I´m in Honduras and doing well.  The orphanage is amazing ... I don´t have time to give you all the details, but wanted to let everyone know that I´m safe and doing well. We are headed to the house with special needs girls to [serial] cast two of them this morning, then off to the city of Tegucigalpa (Teguc) for the evening. Tomorrow we will take a bus from the city to a cloud forest where we will hike and stay with granola-loving hippy Germans at a bed and breakfast. I will write again soon! Love you all!

It sounds like she's very happy there. I hope she doesn't decide to remain there indefinitely!

There are two very odd things about this e-mail message, though ... 1. She doesn't jive well with free-spirited hippy-types. And 2. Aunt M absolutely DOES NOT HIKE. I think the last time she went hiking was in 1989. We were at a state park in who-knows-what-state (I think the word "Ash" was in the name of the park), and after hiking through dense woods, jagged rocks, caverns and ledges, she sat down in the middle of the path and announced, "I am NOT. GOING. ANY. FARTHER."

I can't wait to hear about her stay with the granola-loving-hippy-Germans. Should be interesting.

Double-Header in Valpo

We drove over to Valparaiso, Indiana Saturday morning to watch the YSU Penguins play the Valpo Crusaders. The Penguins lost the first game, but won the second.

La was excited to go to the game for once because she knew there was a possibility of being reunited with a friend she made last year, who is the daughter of the coach of the opposing team. When we pulled into the parking lot, La all but leapt out of the car shouting, "I need to find my BEST FRIEND!" When we did locate her, La quickly became her overbearing self and attached herself right onto this poor girl's hip and started grilling her about whether or not they were BEST FRIENDS. 

They had a great time, despite La's incessant badgering. They chased each other, rolled down hills, played hide-and-seek, and they took turns snapping pictures of each other using E's mom's phone. The woman's phone is now filled with at least 50 shots of the two of them acting like crazy little monkeys.